‘An emotional connection is about sharing feelings, being vulnerable, seeking to understand each other, and meeting one another with trust. Having an emotional connection isn’t just about talking either, its about feeling close, valued, and cared for by the other person.’
That’s what google says anyway.
I talk about sex and connection quite a bit. It’s something I’m very interested in, especial the idea of ‘connection’ towards a partner and what that looks like for the individual and how we can balance these thoughts and feelings within our relationship. I like to understand how people use connection to build solid foundations within their relationships-or not. After all, intimacy doesn’t have to always lead to sex. Intimacy is, however, something you have to constantly work on, through sickness and in health, right? So why on some days it seems so easy and other days so difficult?
Are men and women really opposites when understanding the meaning of connection?
I recently learnt about the idea of hobby sex. Now I’m really down with this idea, (maybe that’s the past teacher in me liking the idea of being organised). The idea of scheduling time for sex in our diaries, learning about each other’s pleasures with time and being open minded. Setting expectations and having something to work towards can be a fun joint adventure to take part in. Build up the tension slowly over the week, build up anticipation. Sounds much more appealing than goal post sex-rushing to the finish line! Others would argue the point that it needs to be spontaneous, but how does that work when we have busy careers, children too afraid to sleep alone, one person full of cortisol from their days work, the other with a scene from a porn video fresh in their mind to possibly replay?
Sex needs to start at the same pace
So, working to get to the same starting point is something I believe can have a positive impact on your relationship, and helps to please both parties, because let’s face it, we live in a modern era where both partners should be equally pleasured. However, the brain of a woman and man in terms of sex couldn’t be more opposite.
Less sex
There are too many distractions in modern day society and studies show that 50% of men over 40 struggle to maintain or even get an erection. After all we are a product of what we take in during our day, the balance just isn’t there always.
Apparently, Brits are having less sex. Maybe too much porn? Too much screen time? Too much anxiety? Too little alcohol? Where to start? Work has eaten into our physical, emotional and psychic energy reserves at an industrial rate. It seems no coincidence that in five countries with creeping overwork cultures-Japan, USA, Finland and Australia, as well as the UK-sex is withering away to the point of becoming-age pastime people used to enjoy.
Issues arise in relationships when couples are unable to communicate about sex. It’s all about improving intimacy first, which is often overlooked and doesn’t need to be penis focused! To build connection and intimacy, start with small steps. Begin maybe by watching your partners favourite nostalgic film and holding their hand throughout whilst talking about key moments and sharing those. This is intimacy and something you can build on if you have lost the sex in your relationship.
The reality of porn.
If you can remove jealousy porn can be a great tool for initiating some great sex, as it’s just a stimulus. However, its widely misused, and not to mention objectifying females and males globally but we’ll brush over that one for now as I’m interested how and why porn is used.
Due to the amazing technology today, we no longer have the need to buy porn in magazine. We simply log on and have scene after scene at the brush of our fingertips. However, scene skipping and scrolling has a major role to play with Anorgasmia.
Anorgasmia is a type of sexual dysfunction in which a person cannot achieve orgasm despite adequate sexual stimulation. Porn is anything viewed with the eyes open basically and can lead to sexual unhappiness due to the highly set expectations which are viewed. Misusing porn can teach the subconscious what it thinks we like, and unfortunately real life rarely matches up. Que the Anorgasmia.
Highjacks the reward pathway
It’s very addictive and highjacks the reward pathway so you will always be chasing the high. Then eventually with more viewing, the mind will need more and more porn or extreme porn to get that much needed dopamine.
Porn is a great tool to help set the mood and lower that cortisol. But people need to understand that porn should be viewed in small doses to enable a happy, healthy and natural sex relationship. When a person stops using their imagination and relies on porn, it starts to ruin real life sex. Build upon that sex imagination and get kinky with thoughts of your partner!
Just to end, did you know the average penis size is 5.2cm? So, men-please don’t pay attention to all those pornos you may be watching. Be confident. Be happy. And use porn like it was a tray of Lindt chocolate. Carefully, slowly and as a treat.
Would you have an open relationship?
Can having sex with other people improve your relationship? I recently read an interesting article in the Guardian by Sarah Marsh documenting several people discussing their open relationships.
Most people state they are in open relationships to liberate themselves from the jealousy and over-possessiveness that has shaped their past relationships. Does love and sex really need to be inclusive? Or does this add pressure?
Is it just decades of conditioning towards monogamy?
Or should we all give a ‘hall pass’ like the 2011 film comedy starring Owen Wilson, to relieve that pressure and to work towards being in an even more immense, powerful and committed relationship? Either way I would love to know your thoughts on open relationships verses monogamy.
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